I cant get this quote out of my head, and in conjunction with a little help from Jon, I decided to act on my desire to remember these days. I want to be able to look back at my life when I'm older, whether I'm in jail for something stupid or in a happier state.
This whole process is a bit overwhelming really, because although there is nothing riding on my keeping this blog current, I feel like its something I really need to do. It would seem like such a waste to not keep all these memories recorded.
For such a long time I've felt like I've been letting myself and others down with the directions I've been taking my life. Thus far I've done fairly shitty in school, probably because Rochester is a god forsaken industrial waste site, as well as the fact that my major is full of classes I hate. On another crushingly depressing note, I'm 22 years old in 6 days and I still don't have a license. Who does that? Sure, I've saved tons of money, but what things in the past have I missed out on because of it? I'm sure the list is endless. People say you learn from your mistakes....people are dumb.
Let's talk about NJ. Lived there for 18-19 years, moved to Rochester for school, hated life, moved to California for a school internship. I was recently back there for a Photography conference in NYC. From the day I'd moved to California just before the beginning of summer until the day I stepped off the plane in Newark, I hadn't done something social with a peer who wasn't a blood relative. That's 6 months...how had I not gone on some sort of rampage? How had I not noticed? Well, if i hadn't noticed till I got home, I certainly did once I was there. First night I got there, I had no hotel reservation in NYC, so I went home.
Few hours and some taco bell later, Lauren drove up from the shore and picked me up. We drove around for awhile, went to the garden, then headed back down south to her house. We hung out, watched a sweet Michael Crichton book made into a movie called Rising Sun, made fun of each other, movies, and all kinds of dumb stuff, and did some other stuff. It was the best night I could remember in years. What does that say about me? Is 6 months of isolation enough to create some sort of faux-euphoria out of a seemingly ordinary night, or was there feelings buried deep in me that I had no clue still existed? Who knows.
All alone on the jersey shore boardwalk
On a positive note, I'm back in California. Why is that positive you ask? My answer is simple...I dont know. I dont know anyone out here. I go to work, and come home, rinse and repeat, same as before I took my trip home. The experience I'm getting at my job is being fantastic, but is it worth being as lonely as I am?
I can tell you one thing, being home and happy for a change made me want to do things. I'm getting a paying job on the weekends so that I can say without any hint of sarcasm or irony "I piss on 27 dollars". I'm going to work out, because I'm tired of stupid old people telling me that I'm too skinny or that I need to put on some weight. I'm not a genious, but I'm fairly certain that I have no control over my metabolism. People who know me are keyed into the fact that I eat the worst food in the world, all the time, and dont gain weight. I'm under the distinct impression that I could eat pure animal fat for a week, and would die of a heartattack before I would gain a pound. Thus, I figure I can put on some muscle and try to "fill out" a bit more so that people will shut the fuck up.
I'm also sick of dumb people telling me I look like I'm 15. Thats why I'm growing my brutal goatee. Jon and Nick seem all for it, and they're more or less the only people I would change the way I do something for. The other drug cats fall into that catagory too, however none of them have said anything about it yet. However on that note, I'm sure Alan would say something along the lines of "tartarsaurus" and Sean would be an asshole. If there's one thing in my life I would never change, it's my friends.
Jon's being a dick and wants to read this trash, so for now I think I'll sign off. Get fucked.
Mangler den store sofaen.
1 comment:
Im just gonna say, I was the first person to notice said goatee, and yes i made fun of it to Jonathan.
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